Twenty One years ago I was 17 years old. I had lots of friends and a great social life. I used my social life and friends as my world. My world at home wasn't so great. My mother worked long hours in retail and would come home tired. She would visit with her friends on the phone and hang out with them, they were all gay guys and very very great people. She didn't have time for our family other than trying to pay the rent and utilities. We had hard times with not much money and not much food. SO I chose to spend my time where I was happy-with my friends. When I was home I had to do dishes and cook and pick up because mom was tired or busy. My brothers were rebellious and didn't get along with each other. After a while my mom dealt with that and had DCFS take them. Then it was just me and her. She would never admit she had anxiety or depression issues and never took any kind of medication. She would just vent at home or flip out and brake things. So I stayed away whenever I could. I loved my mom but I felt she didn't love me. She would get angry and say mean things to me and I would feel so broken inside...I was lazy, good for nothing, little trollup or a tart. The look on her face was hate.

I admit I wasn't around all the time at home and she was mad sometimes that I was gone. But the chores were all I was good for ...not a kind word even. No mother daughter time, no confiding time, I Was never comfortable around her and my tummy would be in knots. I never knew if she was going to be happy or angry. I guess you could call her manic. Sometimes I wish I were a better teenager back then, but then again WTH was wrong with me? NOTHING.  My moms worrying is what would soften her....if I was sick, she was very nice and compationate. She took good care of me when I was sick. Shew ould be worrying. I was so misunderstood with her...but many teens are. She would close her eyes to things as well. I would come home smelling like smoke...... she didn't appear to notice.

One day I was having a good day and I came home from something and it was supper time. I was peeling an cutting a couple of potatoes to make homemade french fries...what little food I could find in the apartment. She comes into the kitchen and tells me she was talking to her counselor and it would be good if I packed my suitcase and left. And NOW would be good. I didn't understnd for about a minute or two. Then she said GO ON pack a bag and go! I was speechless I couldn't see straight. SO I left with my bag walking across town in tears not knowing what to do. SO I walked to the Illini Union where I knew some friends would be. The whole way there I kept practicing what I would say to them and how I would say it in between sobs.

I was still in high school and 17. On the street. Luckily....... a dear friend of mine ok'ed it with his parents for me to stay there in his sisters old room until stuff was figured out. So I actually was only on the street for a few hours. HOW WAS MY MOM TO KNOW THAT? I have been independant ever since. It's all I could do right then but to grow up. I SWEAR on my grave I will never ever do that to my daughter.

I needed to get this off of my chest because I think a majority of my anxiety issues stem from this event. I have been having flashbacks today and my throat hurts and my eyes are watery. I need to buck up and get ready for work now and try and feel better.

Time to start my day again. Thanks for listening.

Oh Amanda, honey... It breaks my heart that you had to endure that. What do we know about life when we're that young, eh? We have no survival tools, no skills...

It sounds like your mom was ill, my friend, and she either didn't know it, or she didn't want to know it. It doesn't justify how she's hurt you, and it's not supposed to. Maybe, now that you're an adult with a family of your own, you can sit down with your mom and talk with her about your life? Is this even an option? If not, maybe you could sit down with a counselor and talk about how you feel and how you felt? I'm not trying to be rude or anything - I hope you know that. It's so amazing how the actions of our parents can so deeply impact our lives...

Well howdy, Missy! There really is something about the dandelions, isn't there? I mean, aside from the fact that they proliferate faster than rabbits , their bright yellow color reminds me of sunshine, and when they turn the green into a carpet of yellow.... Well, I think it's magickal.

I hope you're having a better today, my friend.

Oh Amanda I am so sorry this happened to you, if we had lived close you would have been welcome at my home (Whatever consolation that may be) i havent words to really sooth your hurt, which you have every right to. No parent should ever do that to a child, Love your daughter with all your heart. Your right how did she KNOw you would be safe, you should own that rage you have a right to it. Yet in this darkness is a ray of hope, you found someone who helped and you found an inner strength that you have used over the years that you didnt know was there. You are a truly magickal woman and this was part of the journey to reaching her. love you and hugs, LWM

Hey you! Just making the rounds to visit everyone I haven't visited in awhile. I hope you have a great day and a great rest of the week!